It's an all new episode, and I don't even want to look up the episode description. It should just say, "Morons, all of them, and then, unsurprisingly, moronic shit happens."
They are going to make a commercial. Mom's former husband (I guess the dude died, probably a smart move on his part. Burn. Too soon? Too soon?) was apparently a famous infomercial superstar so making a commercial is a big deal or something retarded like that. Random quote: "God forbid, if you went too far, you could cut off the breast." Then laugh.
Plastic Hair and Chubby are fighting, again, because she asked Bald Dude advice on how to make Plastic Hair more romantic. Hired Actor then got jealous because you have to "protect what's yours" or something like that. Get some. Oh snap, she just stole his phone. I think he's wearing pleather. I actually can't look at him. It's like a moving wax statue. It totally creeps me out.
Glam Tranny's tits are moving in weird directions. She should not wear those kind of shirts. Actually, there's so much cleavage going on right now it's rather stiking, but I can't seem to take my eyes off the six million bump-its being used. "Look at this hair, this is 80s hair." Amazon is proud of this. The commercial is apparently going to be something about different decades. I'm not really paying attention.
Club time. Amazon versus Tanning Bed. Sample burn from Amazon: "Your three bras are really hitting me in the face." Please explain. Thanks. It's nice of the producers to suggest these women go to the same club. I mean, what were the odds that this confrontation would take place?
Random personal interjection about nothing going on in the show, really: mustaches will always be awesome. Thanks Total Transformation dude.
And we're back. Glam Tranny: "None of the other Glam Fairies are free." It's a club! She's apparently giving Tanning Bed a chance to prove herself. It's so nice of her to work with these peons. We should all applaud her. I think I'm going to become really egotistical about my ability to tie shoes. I'm so awesome at it. My knots are boss, yo.
Nasal voices are almost as prominent as animal print.
"Like American Idol auditons? People make fools of themselves on there. I hope I don't look like a fool," says Chubby, who is dating a wax statue caricature of a human and expects him to be romantic when she actually rewards him for saying "please" which we all know is tough, she's worried about looking like a fool.
Tanning Bed vs. Amazon, version commercial star.
Glam Tranny manages to be egomaniacal about auditioning for the commercial. I'd try to capture this, but I'm working on my ability to develop a Glam Tranny filter. I'll start selling them on craigslist once the technology is finalized.
Another interjection: according to this commercial, women know they are wearing the right bra when they smile brighter. I did not know that was connected, but awesome. I now know smiling chicks are happy with their bra. Also, Nicholas Sparks should be sentenced to death in a Yugo.
Commercial Star Role goes to, Tanning Bed. Amazon is devestated. I mean angry. I mean bump-it. I mean jealous. I mean, I give up. Amazon responds by rambling about having morals and class or something along those lines. What this has to do with a commercial, I don't know.
Chubby and Wax Statue are taking a trip. This, I'm sure, will end awesomely.
Glam Tranny is dressed as Marilyn Monroe, a popular choice for drag queens everywhere. And she complains about having only one line. Compares herself to a gorilla.
Tanning Bed keeps showing off her vagina while shooting the commercial. HBO get on this shit.
And now Tanning Bed is stressing over working with Glam Tranny on some bizarre photo shoot designed to trash a wedding dress. She is, of course, late. "When you start to work for me as a Glam Fairy, you start at the bottom of the glitter barrel." And, another, "I really thought she would think WWAD, what would Alexas do?" So, in case you were curious, Glam Tranny = Jesus. Oh no! Children touching make-up! The world is ending! Exclamation points everywhere. Glam Tranny just said Virginia Fluffyfoot. VF = maternal, in case you were wondering.
Chubby and Wax Statue on a road trip. Fighting over destination. Driving in circles. Staring at cars. Chubby is unhappy with the cars. More pleather is being worn. Chubby confronts Captain Plastic in front of other men; shit is going down yo.
Chubby's boots go up to her waist. I think she's going fishing. Wax Statue planned the vacation around buying a motorcycle. Chubby is trippin' balls.
"If you wanna be a Fairy, I say it, and I say it once." Thanks, Glam Tranny.
I'm coming to the conclusion Tanning Bed has no self-awareness. May possibly be accidentally zenned out of her mind. Or a total moron.
And Wax Statue saves the day with some bed and breakfast or hotel thing or something. Chubby is going to get her romantic freak on.
Commercial Preview: I'm pretty sure this was made in 1997. Or maybe earlier.
Great quote of the show: "I'm way too exagerative." I have no idea how to even attempt to spell that. I kind of want to kill myself.
Friday, April 9, 2010
3. Jerseylicious (again)
Episode according to Time Warner: "Pain is Beauty"--The stylists settle into their new home, but the clash of personalities leads to tension on the job.
What actually happens: Tanning Bed and Amazon continue their rivalry based on their apparently murky past. Also, Amazon's Bandana Boyfriend who is Tanning Bed's ex gets more face time, inlcuding recalling a story about how he got caught cheating by Tanning Bed and she is the psycho. Glam Fairy's ego continues to astound me. I have no idea what she's babbling about. She is against marriage; this is obviously because she's a tranny and it is illegal. "I will not have my credentials, my talent, questioned, so get out." This from Glam Tranny because a customer asked what kind of brush she used. This is amazing. Who the fuck can be this narcissistic about make-up?
Oh, Chubby Girl and her hired actor boyfriend get into a kerfuffle because he's jealous. Also, they met at Dunkin' Donuts at 3am, and he made fun of her because of her bejeweled license plate cover thing. Ah, love. His hair is plastic. For real.
Only about 15 minutes left, so I'm thinking the next drama should be ocurring. And, I'm right. Pedicures were ordered, and the pedicurist (I have no idea what the fucking word is, so shut up) is not working. Alas. Amazon has been asked to do them. She's not a fan of feet. But she is a fan of douchebags in bandanas. She's refusing to do the pedicure: "I wanted her to know I'm doing a sacrifice for her." Painting toenails = grand gesture. I will keep this in mind. Now Amazon has decided she's a superhero.
Tanning Bed is stepping it up apparently. Mom/Daughter are fans.
Oh, Bald Dude update: all the ladies in this bachlorette party want him to party with them. He's so pimp. Nothing says sexy like a short bald guy cutting hair.
Oh, oh more Tanning Bed and Amazon drama. "Outside of the store, that girl better watch her back." She's tough because Bandana Douche feeds her steriods on the side.
There is so much fucking animal print. My brain can't comprehend this. "When it comes to decorating with animal prints, there are definitely rules to follow." I can't handle much more. This apartment, like Hired Boyfriend, cannot be real.
Hot conclusion: "The new staff really pulled together." That means the next episode, shit is going to hit the fan.
Why this is proof humanity is ending: These people can't be real, and the phrase Glam Fairy. Seriously.
What actually happens: Tanning Bed and Amazon continue their rivalry based on their apparently murky past. Also, Amazon's Bandana Boyfriend who is Tanning Bed's ex gets more face time, inlcuding recalling a story about how he got caught cheating by Tanning Bed and she is the psycho. Glam Fairy's ego continues to astound me. I have no idea what she's babbling about. She is against marriage; this is obviously because she's a tranny and it is illegal. "I will not have my credentials, my talent, questioned, so get out." This from Glam Tranny because a customer asked what kind of brush she used. This is amazing. Who the fuck can be this narcissistic about make-up?
Oh, Chubby Girl and her hired actor boyfriend get into a kerfuffle because he's jealous. Also, they met at Dunkin' Donuts at 3am, and he made fun of her because of her bejeweled license plate cover thing. Ah, love. His hair is plastic. For real.
Only about 15 minutes left, so I'm thinking the next drama should be ocurring. And, I'm right. Pedicures were ordered, and the pedicurist (I have no idea what the fucking word is, so shut up) is not working. Alas. Amazon has been asked to do them. She's not a fan of feet. But she is a fan of douchebags in bandanas. She's refusing to do the pedicure: "I wanted her to know I'm doing a sacrifice for her." Painting toenails = grand gesture. I will keep this in mind. Now Amazon has decided she's a superhero.
Tanning Bed is stepping it up apparently. Mom/Daughter are fans.
Oh, Bald Dude update: all the ladies in this bachlorette party want him to party with them. He's so pimp. Nothing says sexy like a short bald guy cutting hair.
Oh, oh more Tanning Bed and Amazon drama. "Outside of the store, that girl better watch her back." She's tough because Bandana Douche feeds her steriods on the side.
There is so much fucking animal print. My brain can't comprehend this. "When it comes to decorating with animal prints, there are definitely rules to follow." I can't handle much more. This apartment, like Hired Boyfriend, cannot be real.
Hot conclusion: "The new staff really pulled together." That means the next episode, shit is going to hit the fan.
Why this is proof humanity is ending: These people can't be real, and the phrase Glam Fairy. Seriously.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
2. Jerseylicious
Premise: a salon in New Jersey filled with, surprisingly, stereotypical Jersey people. It's a mother/daughter ownership thing, so it is also fulfills the generational stereotype. Well done, Style TV.
Actual premise: in an attempt to piggyback the Jersey Shore phenomenon (which I never watched, although that could change for rerun purposes) Style brings us caricatures of people, I mean actual guidos and guidettes (is that a word?) who have added "hair maintenance" to their short list of important things to do.
This episode: I meant to actually copy down the Time Warner (plug!) description, but I forgot.
So, here's what happens: mother/daughter are having interviews for new positions created by the renovations. There is a constant referencing to "the chair." Daughter likes young people. Mother likes older people. It's shocking. Also shocking, the only people who get one-on-one time with the camera end up being the ones hired. Never saw it coming.
I don't know anyone's names so good luck with this. All I know is there is a chubby girl who desperately wants to marry her guido boyfriend. My reaction to the boyfried, verbatim: "That has to be a hired actor. That is so over the top there is no way he is real. It can't be. They had to hire somebody. He's a total fucking douche."
There's some make-up girl who looks like she sleeps in a tanning bed. There's some Amazonian girl who has to have like 5 bump-its in her hair. They are enemies, for reasons that aren't actually explained. Amazon chick, " We've been like this for, like, a long time. It goes way back." Thank you for your insight. Also, Amazon woman is dating Tanning Bed's ex-boyfriend, who, of course, had a bandanna in tow. Awesome.
What else? Oh, prospective hire who was obviously not going to be hired because she got no face time, had to have been a direct homage to Fran Dreschner and that movie Beautician and the Beast. Had to be. If it wasn't, then Fran should sue for plagerism. And, yes, I was able to remember one of her movies. Go to hell.
Most importantly, there's an egomaniac make-up chick who calls herself The Glam Fairy. I'm thinking she's a tranny, because look at that name. Seriously. Also, she's constantly wearing things in an attempt to have cleavage, but her tits get pushed around in weird directions; it's both fascinating and terrifying to realize tits can look like that. Plus, they are so awkward, even your girlfriend won't be too upset at you for looking. It can become a conversational piece.
Important notes to keep track of: Tanning Bed is always late. Amazon probably slept with her teachers in high school. Mom and Daughter have no spines. There's a bald dude who says he's married with a kid and owns another salon which is "under renovation," so he got hired, too. Chubby Chick's only goal in life is to get married. There is animal print everyfuckingwhere.
Why this is proof of the decline of human culture: see above.
Actual premise: in an attempt to piggyback the Jersey Shore phenomenon (which I never watched, although that could change for rerun purposes) Style brings us caricatures of people, I mean actual guidos and guidettes (is that a word?) who have added "hair maintenance" to their short list of important things to do.
This episode: I meant to actually copy down the Time Warner (plug!) description, but I forgot.
So, here's what happens: mother/daughter are having interviews for new positions created by the renovations. There is a constant referencing to "the chair." Daughter likes young people. Mother likes older people. It's shocking. Also shocking, the only people who get one-on-one time with the camera end up being the ones hired. Never saw it coming.
I don't know anyone's names so good luck with this. All I know is there is a chubby girl who desperately wants to marry her guido boyfriend. My reaction to the boyfried, verbatim: "That has to be a hired actor. That is so over the top there is no way he is real. It can't be. They had to hire somebody. He's a total fucking douche."
There's some make-up girl who looks like she sleeps in a tanning bed. There's some Amazonian girl who has to have like 5 bump-its in her hair. They are enemies, for reasons that aren't actually explained. Amazon chick, " We've been like this for, like, a long time. It goes way back." Thank you for your insight. Also, Amazon woman is dating Tanning Bed's ex-boyfriend, who, of course, had a bandanna in tow. Awesome.
What else? Oh, prospective hire who was obviously not going to be hired because she got no face time, had to have been a direct homage to Fran Dreschner and that movie Beautician and the Beast. Had to be. If it wasn't, then Fran should sue for plagerism. And, yes, I was able to remember one of her movies. Go to hell.
Most importantly, there's an egomaniac make-up chick who calls herself The Glam Fairy. I'm thinking she's a tranny, because look at that name. Seriously. Also, she's constantly wearing things in an attempt to have cleavage, but her tits get pushed around in weird directions; it's both fascinating and terrifying to realize tits can look like that. Plus, they are so awkward, even your girlfriend won't be too upset at you for looking. It can become a conversational piece.
Important notes to keep track of: Tanning Bed is always late. Amazon probably slept with her teachers in high school. Mom and Daughter have no spines. There's a bald dude who says he's married with a kid and owns another salon which is "under renovation," so he got hired, too. Chubby Chick's only goal in life is to get married. There is animal print everyfuckingwhere.
Why this is proof of the decline of human culture: see above.
1. The Introduction
This, I would assume, is a fairly simple premise. In response to being asked to watch certain shows with my girlfriend, I am electing to blog about them because, of course, everyone in the known universe blogs, and, thus, I can hopefully dip into the celebrity craze that people love, make myself famous like that tool Perez, and somehow end up being interviewed by George Lopez. That's what all famous people want, correct? Correct.
The first question you might ask is, How come you don't leave the room or physically dominate the remote? My response is, well, I've learned that spending time often equates to sexual encounters.
The second question might be, Aren't you just a pussy whipped boyfriend with no sac? The answer is, I can't make you believe otherwise, but I would beg to differ. As you will be able to see once it is up and running, she is doing a companion site based on the shit I make her watch. I think this is called communication. Or balance. Or a way for us not to kill one another.
The third question is, obviously, Why should I read this? My friend, it is because we all have to endure this, so at least you can have a dude perspective and insight so you can sound knowledgeable without ever having to actually pay attention. Then you can tell her not to complain when you play Modern Warfare for 36 straight hours. That's called a win.
The first question you might ask is, How come you don't leave the room or physically dominate the remote? My response is, well, I've learned that spending time often equates to sexual encounters.
The second question might be, Aren't you just a pussy whipped boyfriend with no sac? The answer is, I can't make you believe otherwise, but I would beg to differ. As you will be able to see once it is up and running, she is doing a companion site based on the shit I make her watch. I think this is called communication. Or balance. Or a way for us not to kill one another.
The third question is, obviously, Why should I read this? My friend, it is because we all have to endure this, so at least you can have a dude perspective and insight so you can sound knowledgeable without ever having to actually pay attention. Then you can tell her not to complain when you play Modern Warfare for 36 straight hours. That's called a win.
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